German Photo Software- Has WWII Really
Ended? – A lighthearted Look at the Joys of Computers with a little poetic
license.
The Germans may make great cars, but oh, do
they make woeful software!
With some time to kill yesterday I decided
to do some more slide scanning to continue the archiving process of my
Father-in Law’s large collection of Colour slides from the late 50's and 60's.
The slides are good quality and well
preserved and document a significant period in the North of Western Australia.
I wanted to make sure they were scanned to the best possible standard and preserved
for future generations.
As I hadn’t done any scanning for a while,
I checked that my film scanner software was at the latest version so that every
ounce of detail would be preserved using the latest restoration techniques.
Thence began a bloody “no holds barred”
five hour war that should have taken less than 5 minutes and was reminiscent of
events in the Second World War.
First up, I let the reputedly “world’s best
scanning software” check to see if there were any updates. Yes, indeed there
were was - just “Click Here” to update.
It took only seconds before the hostilities
began.
“Please enter the 30 digit software serial
number before proceeding.”
Well where was it? No problem on the DVD
cover that the software came in. Now just where was that now? Having
suffered a house fire a year ago where things got a bit disorganized, but being
relatively computer savvy I decided that as I had previously entered it into
the software it should perhaps be visible if I click the "about"
button, and like most other software it would be visible.
No such luck! Looked everywhere and
then decided to do a search on the Internet in the hope that someone else knew
where the Enigma Machine generated codes may be lurking.
Yes, of course, no problem, simple, just
click on the little "i" button on the top left of the scan preview screen,
and then click on the "Credits" button that appears on a new window
that pops up.
This window honored lots of people with German
sounding names. At least I knew I was in the right place and not in the “Little
India” that some software vendors hide in these places.
Right down the bottom was the serial number
in a difficult to read tiny font in lowercase, uppercase, numerals and letters
was the code, including "0" , "o" , and "O’s.”
Great no problem just enter all this in
correctly and all will be fine. Not so if you are Teutonic in your approach to
software though. Giving away War secrets through inadequate encryption is
punishable by firing squad.
After 6 attempts at getting the numbers
right including all the various combinations of 0, o, O, I was tearing my hair out, until I discovered
that I was typing in a capital "S" instead of the numeral 5.
Success at last, well that is what I
thought!
Firstly had to figure out just exactly what
product I had before downloading the correct update. In true German fashion
there were about 7 different product versions, all with minor variations from
each other, and all meticulously documented. This ensured a great read and a
PhD in forensic science to detect the differences between the versions.
More research on the net, as perhaps some
other learned scholar somewhere in the world had been able to condense the
differences into a simple sentence, and indeed they had.
I only needed an update to just the basic
version, which I already had installed and had been using quite happily for
sometime. One would have thought the software would have known what version
itself was before suggesting a free update!
Ok, so here goes. Downloaded the free
update and hit the "Run" button. The Install starts and it was like
launching a Cold War ICBM. Once on its way there was no way of turning back. A
series of "dire" warnings about terrible things that could happen to
my computer if I ignored them followed, but no obvious opportunity to exit or
action them, so I bravely soldiered on.
One of the warnings was along the cryptic
lines of,
"Please ensure you have the latest
scanner drivers installed".
At this stage of the process how was I to
know whether I had the latest drivers or not. Where would I get them from if I
didn't, and in my naivety I figured they (drivers) were working just fine last
time I used them so I would be OK.
About 5 minutes later with relief I see the
re-assuring window saying your software has successfully been updated, now just
re-boot!
Ok, 15 minutes later the PC is still
shutting down, the hard disk light flashing in a frenzy a bit like that footage
you see of the Yanks bombing Baghdad at night, so I go off to make a coffee,
not wanting to interfere with the mysterious, but furious offensive occurring
behind a cute blue smoke screen on my monitor with the informative message
"Shutting Down." Oh Dear! My PC was not giving up without a battle.
Sometime later, coffee in hand, I return
and watch in morbid fascination at the machine as it is still shutting down,
but by this time I have a suspicion that something isn’t quite right. This was
truly a fight to the death.
I wait another 5 minute and with suicidal
thoughts decide to hit the "Power Off" button as clearly the PC had
now finally got control of itself (and me) and was now exerting its dominance.
Only one thing to do "kill it," and I did!
Holding my breath, I switched the power
back on and hoped that I haven't terminally offended it. After another suitable
period of lights flashing and various screens I have control again in the
mysterious "Safe Mode," and a truce seemed to be in place.
With the new German software installed did
this mean the now battle damaged computer will not subject me to a course of
electrotherapy, or worse still not explode if I don't behave or “mend my vays”!
Undaunted and with great bravado I carry
on, confident that I was now again in control and a short time later I was
politely invited to re-start again.
Lots more waiting, palms sweating and
breath holding hoping that all my years of work mysteriously contained inside
will have survived my insubordination, I am relieved to hear that delight
“Chong Dong, Chong Dong” sound as Windows springs to life again, this time in
its normal "unsafe" mode.
God, I hope no German terrorists are now not
hiding in there, or chemical warfare has occurred with the injection of yet
another top secret virus ready to spring into instant action at the command of
their Fuhrer.
Gee, I am a glutton for punishment.
Feeling confident I click on the scanning
software start button thinking I had finally beaten this diminutive monster and
can now do some productive work.
Two or three minutes later after a series
of normal looking screens indicating that everything was going to work, I clicked
on the “Start Scanning” button, only to be told in true German abruptness,
"No Scanner Installed."
“Dummkopf! Can't you follow instructions,
you VERE varned earlier and you did not listen, Nein!”
Undaunted, and as wife was still down the
shops I heeded the advice and swallowed my pride. Being suitably chastened, I
with trepidation begin to meekly search the good German software vendors website
for updated drivers.
The lecture in my incompetence
continued. Every opportunity was taken
to test my lack of ability to think in a Teutonic manner, reinforcing at every chance,
how stupid I was.
Thinking outside of the circle I decided to
delve into the mysterious “Support” section of the web site. Nope, no so such
luck in locating anything about latest drivers there.
I was getting a bit desperate now and
contemplating uninstalling the whole bloody lot and starting again from scratch
using my original install disks. Worried about the software serial number trial
I had just endured and that it might be decreed that I was installing a dreaded
second copy of the software, I decided to not give up without a fight.
Maybe it might be in the
"Downloads" section?
Yes, I found it in the “new version” free
download trial section. Why I didn't look there in the first place is beyond me,
I DID want to download something after all, where else would you look? But then,
after 20 years as a professional in the computer industry, I am still a novice
at this game.
Feeling confident, I download the updated
scanner driver, and clicked "run." Lots of hard disk light flashing,
and yet again a succession of screens, and agreeing to the software agreement
that threatened the outbreak of World War 3 if I didn't agree to them, or
heaven forbid even attempt to use the software.
I took the chance and agreed, knowing that
I had to die sometime and just hoped that I could scan just a few of my father
in laws precious memories before this precipitous event occurred.
All installed fine, but please not another
re-boot, and all the trauma that goes with that.
No such luck buddy, "You vill learn zat ve have da best
scanning zoftware in da Vorld, 9, and you can't have it wizout effort!, 9"
Having accepted my fate I re-booted thinking
that I had learnt my place, only to be treated by a cute little Window
informing me the Windows had discovered new hardware and was installing
drivers.
Gee, I had been using this "new"
hardware for 3 years on this machine. Perhaps, being sneaky German hardware it
had been hiding there all these years spying on what I was doing, before being
discovered by Windows in an unguarded moment.
Well sometime the Yanks are a bit trusting!
The hardware must have realised it had been
discovered and quickly went back into hiding, because despite Windows searching
in earnest for a very long time on the Internet, it finally gave up and
suggested perhaps I might know where the drivers might be.
What the......! I had just spent all
afternoon installing them.
Ach Zo!, This is where the sneaky German
software triumphed yet again.
“Dummkopf, You are supposed to
"unzip" the drivers to expose them to Vindows.”
Well with trepidation I did that, unsure of
what delights or horrors I would find when I undid the zip. Thankfully nothing too
bad, except some more mysterious and terse "readme's" and as I was
now a hostage in the War, mercifully not some "seeme's" of a naked
German psychopath that was trying to convince me I was a worthless piece of “Kaka.”
Ok, Ok, I install the drivers again, I was
getting well practiced at this and knew that I could confidently survive the
dreaded re-boot process again, if not have another birthday in the meantime.
Well, it worked! By this time my wife had
returned from shopping, and I realized that I was not going to achieve any real
work in the remainder of the afternoon, so tempting fate yet once again, I
decide to use the remainder of the afternoon to explore the possibilities of
upgrading my scanning software to the latest version.
Because I had endured and survived the update
process the good German software vendor and in the new found post war era of
“détente” the software informed me I might be eligible for a discount on the
new version.
Well, I thought I could now confidently handle
anything the former wartime foes could throw at me, and with the old
hostilities forgiven I decided to accept the offer of a free 30 day trial of
the new version. Oh dear! This subterfuge ensured World War Three was now
really going to start in earnest.
End of Part 1 - Standby for the next exciting
episode in a few days. The war gets far
worse!
