German's Make Great Cars - I don't know about Software though!

German Photo Software- Has WWII Really Ended? – A lighthearted Look at the Joys of Computers with a little poetic license.

The Germans may make great cars, but oh, do they make woeful software!

With some time to kill yesterday I decided to do some more slide scanning to continue the archiving process of my Father-in Law’s large collection of Colour slides from the late 50's and 60's.

The slides are good quality and well preserved and document a significant period in the North of Western Australia. I wanted to make sure they were scanned to the best possible standard and preserved for future generations.

As I hadn’t done any scanning for a while, I checked that my film scanner software was at the latest version so that every ounce of detail would be preserved using the latest restoration techniques.

Thence began a bloody “no holds barred” five hour war that should have taken less than 5 minutes and was reminiscent of events in the Second World War.

First up, I let the reputedly “world’s best scanning software” check to see if there were any updates. Yes, indeed there were was - just “Click Here” to update.

It took only seconds before the hostilities began.

“Please enter the 30 digit software serial number before proceeding.”

Well where was it? No problem on the DVD cover that the software came in. Now just where was that now?  Having suffered a house fire a year ago where things got a bit disorganized, but being relatively computer savvy I decided that as I had previously entered it into the software it should perhaps be visible if I click the "about" button, and like most other software it would be visible.

No such luck!  Looked everywhere and then decided to do a search on the Internet in the hope that someone else knew where the Enigma Machine generated codes may be lurking.

Yes, of course, no problem, simple, just click on the little "i" button on the top left of the scan preview screen, and then click on the "Credits" button that appears on a new window that pops up.

This window honored lots of people with German sounding names. At least I knew I was in the right place and not in the “Little India” that some software vendors hide in these places.

Right down the bottom was the serial number in a difficult to read tiny font in lowercase, uppercase, numerals and letters was the code, including "0" , "o" , and "O’s.”

Great no problem just enter all this in correctly and all will be fine. Not so if you are Teutonic in your approach to software though. Giving away War secrets through inadequate encryption is punishable by firing squad.

After 6 attempts at getting the numbers right including all the various combinations of 0, o, O,  I was tearing my hair out, until I discovered that I was typing in a capital "S" instead of the numeral 5.

Success at last, well that is what I thought!

Firstly had to figure out just exactly what product I had before downloading the correct update. In true German fashion there were about 7 different product versions, all with minor variations from each other, and all meticulously documented. This ensured a great read and a PhD in forensic science to detect the differences between the versions.

More research on the net, as perhaps some other learned scholar somewhere in the world had been able to condense the differences into a simple sentence, and indeed they had.

I only needed an update to just the basic version, which I already had installed and had been using quite happily for sometime. One would have thought the software would have known what version itself was before suggesting a free update!

Ok, so here goes. Downloaded the free update and hit the "Run" button. The Install starts and it was like launching a Cold War ICBM. Once on its way there was no way of turning back. A series of "dire" warnings about terrible things that could happen to my computer if I ignored them followed, but no obvious opportunity to exit or action them, so I bravely soldiered on.

One of the warnings was along the cryptic lines of,

"Please ensure you have the latest scanner drivers installed".

At this stage of the process how was I to know whether I had the latest drivers or not. Where would I get them from if I didn't, and in my naivety I figured they (drivers) were working just fine last time I used them so I would be OK.

About 5 minutes later with relief I see the re-assuring window saying your software has successfully been updated, now just re-boot!

Ok, 15 minutes later the PC is still shutting down, the hard disk light flashing in a frenzy a bit like that footage you see of the Yanks bombing Baghdad at night, so I go off to make a coffee, not wanting to interfere with the mysterious, but furious offensive occurring behind a cute blue smoke screen on my monitor with the informative message "Shutting Down." Oh Dear! My PC was not giving up without a battle.

Sometime later, coffee in hand, I return and watch in morbid fascination at the machine as it is still shutting down, but by this time I have a suspicion that something isn’t quite right. This was truly a fight to the death.

I wait another 5 minute and with suicidal thoughts decide to hit the "Power Off" button as clearly the PC had now finally got control of itself (and me) and was now exerting its dominance. Only one thing to do "kill it," and I did!

Holding my breath, I switched the power back on and hoped that I haven't terminally offended it. After another suitable period of lights flashing and various screens I have control again in the mysterious "Safe Mode," and a truce seemed to be in place.

With the new German software installed did this mean the now battle damaged computer will not subject me to a course of electrotherapy, or worse still not explode if I don't behave or “mend my vays”!

Undaunted and with great bravado I carry on, confident that I was now again in control and a short time later I was politely invited to re-start again.

Lots more waiting, palms sweating and breath holding hoping that all my years of work mysteriously contained inside will have survived my insubordination, I am relieved to hear that delight “Chong Dong, Chong Dong” sound as Windows springs to life again, this time in its normal "unsafe" mode.

God, I hope no German terrorists are now not hiding in there, or chemical warfare has occurred with the injection of yet another top secret virus ready to spring into instant action at the command of their Fuhrer.

Gee, I am a glutton for punishment.

Feeling confident I click on the scanning software start button thinking I had finally beaten this diminutive monster and can now do some productive work.

Two or three minutes later after a series of normal looking screens indicating that everything was going to work, I clicked on the “Start Scanning” button, only to be told in true German abruptness, "No Scanner Installed." 

“Dummkopf! Can't you follow instructions, you VERE varned earlier and you did not listen, Nein!”

Undaunted, and as wife was still down the shops I heeded the advice and swallowed my pride. Being suitably chastened, I with trepidation begin to meekly search the good German software vendors website for updated drivers.

The lecture in my incompetence continued.  Every opportunity was taken to test my lack of ability to think in a Teutonic manner, reinforcing at every chance, how stupid I was.

Thinking outside of the circle I decided to delve into the mysterious “Support” section of the web site. Nope, no so such luck in locating anything about latest drivers there.

I was getting a bit desperate now and contemplating uninstalling the whole bloody lot and starting again from scratch using my original install disks. Worried about the software serial number trial I had just endured and that it might be decreed that I was installing a dreaded second copy of the software, I decided to not give up without a fight.

Maybe it might be in the "Downloads" section?

Yes, I found it in the “new version” free download trial section. Why I didn't look there in the first place is beyond me, I DID want to download something after all, where else would you look? But then, after 20 years as a professional in the computer industry, I am still a novice at this game.

Feeling confident, I download the updated scanner driver, and clicked "run." Lots of hard disk light flashing, and yet again a succession of screens, and agreeing to the software agreement that threatened the outbreak of World War 3 if I didn't agree to them, or heaven forbid even attempt to use the software.

I took the chance and agreed, knowing that I had to die sometime and just hoped that I could scan just a few of my father in laws precious memories before this precipitous event occurred.

All installed fine, but please not another re-boot, and all the trauma that goes with that.

No such luck buddy,  "You vill learn zat ve have da best scanning zoftware in da Vorld, 9, and you can't have it wizout effort!,  9"

Having accepted my fate I re-booted thinking that I had learnt my place, only to be treated by a cute little Window informing me the Windows had discovered new hardware and was installing drivers.

Gee, I had been using this "new" hardware for 3 years on this machine. Perhaps, being sneaky German hardware it had been hiding there all these years spying on what I was doing, before being discovered by Windows in an unguarded moment.

Well sometime the Yanks are a bit trusting!

The hardware must have realised it had been discovered and quickly went back into hiding, because despite Windows searching in earnest for a very long time on the Internet, it finally gave up and suggested perhaps I might know where the drivers might be.

What the......!  I had just spent all afternoon installing them.

Ach Zo!, This is where the sneaky German software triumphed yet again.

“Dummkopf, You are supposed to "unzip" the drivers to expose them to Vindows.”

Well with trepidation I did that, unsure of what delights or horrors I would find when I undid the zip. Thankfully nothing too bad, except some more mysterious and terse "readme's" and as I was now a hostage in the War, mercifully not some "seeme's" of a naked German psychopath that was trying to convince me I was a worthless piece of “Kaka.”

Ok, Ok, I install the drivers again, I was getting well practiced at this and knew that I could confidently survive the dreaded re-boot process again, if not have another birthday in the meantime.

Well, it worked! By this time my wife had returned from shopping, and I realized that I was not going to achieve any real work in the remainder of the afternoon, so tempting fate yet once again, I decide to use the remainder of the afternoon to explore the possibilities of upgrading my scanning software to the latest version.

Because I had endured and survived the update process the good German software vendor and in the new found post war era of “détente” the software informed me I might be eligible for a discount on the new version.

Well, I thought I could now confidently handle anything the former wartime foes could throw at me, and with the old hostilities forgiven I decided to accept the offer of a free 30 day trial of the new version. Oh dear!  This subterfuge ensured World War Three was now really going to start in earnest.

End of Part 1 - Standby for the next exciting episode in a few days.  The war gets far worse!